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The Intention - June



Listen and Trust

This is the themed intention in my "Make Shit Happen" Calendar. And holy crap it brings up a lot for me.

So much has happened this month, I had an earth shattering change in my life. I've had this dark cloud following me around for the past 6 months or so and it created a STORM. Like massive lightning, tornadoes, high winds....not sure how much more I can describe without saying what happened, but hopefully you get the picture. 

This month is all about trusting myself and the decisions I have made. Trusting that there is blue skies coming. I have held my ground, gotten rained on, been struck by lightning, my roof collapsed, yet here I am. I'm still standing as Johnny from the movie "Sing" says. 

The two questions my journal asks are:
1) What does it feel like in your body when you are angry, judgmental or sad? Well I'll tell you, I had a brutal phone call on Monday and there was so much heat in my body. My heart was pounding. I could feel my palms sweat and my fingertips pulsating. I immediately realized I felt hurt, not just emotionally but I could feel it in my body. 

So what happens then...yes, it is 100% okay to feel hurt, angry and sad. What's not okay is going into a default way of dealing with these emotions...whether yelling, screaming or whatever. Not letting your emotions get the better of you. I realized I could feel those things in my body, I had to REALLY focus on my reaction and keep looking forward and ahead. I broke up with bad energy, if I continue to feed that relationship with more bad energy it is going to continue the storm. How do I know it is bad energy? Because I kept feeding it and the worse it has gotten. 

2) What does it feel like in your body when you are happy or excited? It's funny, because it is the same feeling. The feeling of fear or frustration in my body is the same as happiness and excitement. When you actually realize that you have those same exact things happening in your body as when you are scared and have overcome your fear. 

The difference is differentiating when you feel them and what is going on when you are feeling them. Reacting to your body and knowing I feel those same things when I am happy can help me stay focused on my vision and goals and stay focused on not reacting in a poor way. 

The take away this month is trusting in my decisions and myself. I overthink and I ask advice A LOT. The problem is I know the decision I make, I do think I have an insane intense gut reaction and premonition of how things are going to go, the problem is I don't always listen. Many times, I know what is going to happen yet I ask people about what they think, it is probably just to hear "yeah I agree".  I understand now I just need to really be in tune with the physicality that come with my emotions to realize the direction I should go on decisions. 

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One of the big things in listening and trusting with myself besides the mess of the vagueness I was talking about earlier is how I am reacting in parenting. Right now, I am short with Kollin and it is due to what is going on. I haven't been listening to my reactions with him, when I needed to do that from the start. That is really the most important one. I realized I was quickly getting irritated and he needs my support now more than ever. I need to listen to how I am reacting with him and I need to trust not just myself but him. He is such a good kid and he thinks in black and white like I do and it can be challenging. I know at the end of the day it is my reaction that will leave a lasting impression on him. 

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